A letter to an untold story

 I am sitting here. At the phone. This is the phone where I announced a child was dying. Lauchie. I didn't know him well. But he is a huge part of me now. I was sitting at the craft table making David his 100th spongebob when Lara came over to me and said 'we need to call someone' and ran off. I turned around and Lauchie was lying down his Dad looking concerned. Lauchie started crying, like he had a little fall. I looked at my feet. Blood. From where? I look at Lauchie about 4 meters away. He's bleeding. 

My body kicks right into action. It's like a trance state but without the peace. Like I'm spinning off into space, the only thing holding me to earth is my determination to help. That happens in an instant. That instant feels like a slow 10 minutes but the next 10 minutes feel like an instant. Lara's at the phon 'who do I call?' she calls a code blue - or is it MET? - Dad screams for a fist aid kit I grab it and fumble fumblefumble fucking hands stay still. I shouldn't pick up children in my job. Where is all this blood even coming from? Panting, we're both panting. Another mum 'I'm good with this' yes get in there I don't even know where the blood is from I'm not trained call again where are they? Don't touch anything hands are sticky. Where are they?? Get everyone out of the room. Dad sobbing. 'Does anyone know CPR?!'

I shrug. I shrug. I fucking shrug at a man while his son dies. He wails. My heart breaks. Lauchie is blue then white. He stopped crying. I'm running. Where are they? Shouldn't leave Lara. A lady, concerned, asks what's up. Blood on my hands. the smell. Like metal. Lauchie in a pool of blood. They're here! Thank god. Me adn mum wash our hands. That's Lauchie. Down the drain. Blood smears everywhere, cupboards, tables, handles. Teams of people rushing in 'you ok?'. Can't speak or I'll die. He's dead. He's taking me with him. Hours outside. Or just 30 minutes. Lauchie is finally stabalised. Lara has already gone home. We close the room/ I play with kids outside. Finish the job, just finish the job. We go inside to debrief. When's the job finish? Everyone's concerned. I need a moment alone. The room is a mess. That blood stain has stained the whole room.

I finally let go. Alone. Dark. Tears. What the fuck just happened? It's over. It's not over. I'm missing a piece. Lauchie took it with him.

We meet with the medical team. They're shocked. Nothing to be done, they said. Freak accident. No on knows what happened. Not even me, Dad, Lara and Lauchie. No one. He is being kept alive by machines but with no oxygen to the brain... Down the elevator with the first responders. Was I the first responder? They say they've never seen anything like it. The didn't even see. They didn't see him smiling, they don't know. They saw him already dead.

I try to work but I'm still missing a piece. I'll find it. They wash away his stain. Down the drain. People joke. But they're washing me away with it. I'm watching them wash me away.

I'll find it again. Lauchie is dead. There's a memorial. Dad is there. Does he hate me? Does he even recognise me? Up the back. My manager puts her hand on my leg. I silently cry. I didn't know him. He took a piece of me to the other side with him. I hope the piece he took helps him over there. I'll gladly give it to him if it helps him. I have a rock. A symbol from the family. Is this my piece back? That day I throw my bloody uniform in the bin. Another piece of Lauchie thrown away. Am I throwing out bad energy? Or throwing away parts of myself?

A few months and I have found the piece. I need tme away. Cold process to find an emotional healing space. Still cold. Don't talk to much of the haunting details, it's not good. Why? Why did it happen? I know why, I'm confused at how. How does it feel? I can't tell without this piece missing. I'm stewing. No work. I'm boiling over need to work 2 months and I've cooked into a condensed version of myself. Afraid. Little bubbles spilling over. Missing ingredient.

I work. Meaning is there. Moths strugging getting better. my stewed self finding my new flavour. One day I wake up. The missing ingredient- wait I'm not a soup. The missing part, still comes back to Lauchie. The healing space nolonger helas. It's become washed away of me, of my ability to heal. A plague that forces humanity 1.5 meters apart forces me to look at what's missing.

I still don't know

I should be stronger. I can do anythig. My weakness is my humanit, my humanity my strength. So why do I feel broken? A missing part of me. How can Lauchie take something I so willingly give to everyone. He took it all. None left for myself even.

This is the story I'm never allowed to tell. It is incomplete. But I never even got to workshop it. Afraid of its power. Not just over me, but over everyone.

I know it has the power for good, but I don't know how.