I am sitting here. At the phone. This is the phone where I announced a child was dying. Lauchie. I didn't know him well. But he is a huge part of me now. I was sitting at the craft table making David his 100th spongebob when Lara came over to me and said 'we need to call someone' and ran off. I turned around and Lauchie was lying down his Dad looking concerned. Lauchie started crying, like he had a little fall. I looked at my feet. Blood. From where? I look at Lauchie about 4 meters away. He's bleeding. My body kicks right into action. It's like a trance state but without the peace. Like I'm spinning off into space, the only thing holding me to earth is my determination to help. That happens in an instant. That instant feels like a slow 10 minutes but the next 10 minutes feel like an instant. Lara's at the phon 'who do I call?' she calls a code blue - or is it MET? - Dad screams for a fist aid kit I grab it and fumble fumblefumble fucking hands sta...
It's like a trance state but without the peace. I'm spinning off into space, the only thing holding me in the now is my knowledge that I can do this. The knowledge that this moment is mine, it will define me. I'm split in two at this moment. Half of me floating above the earth spinning ethereally following Lachie up to heaven, the other half feeling purpose and determination to stay on the ground in the real world doing tangible things. Tangible blood, visceral smell, audible cries, deafening silence. These are the things that connect me spinning up in orbit to the me in the trenches digging through the lifeblood of a child not even aware of death, even as he's dying. Sometimes I'm back on earth. My body stops spinning up in space. Sometimes I can clearly see the earth below as I slowly spin. These two versions of myself can't fully connect from both places. I want to sew them together but I can't bear to lose the perspective of either place. I want to be i...
We'll Be Right Emotions coarse through me intensely I can feel my soul now Shame that it's broken I associate soul with pain How strange Is perpetual pain the human condition? Is that why we shy away? Pain sucks and we are doomed to a life of it? But emotional range goes both ways right? Happiness begets pain You can always have it better Pain begets happiness Anything is better than this So we'll be right aye?
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