Curiously Scribbled

 This is real This is so real it's unreal My chest won't stop My heart can't stop These are things dreams try to be Which is why it is so unreal But the things that I feel Are to visceral to ignore. as the little whims, I'm sure, you feel the string that connects our hearts, we can't forget even though we live so far away It tugs my butterflies so they fly backwards Backwards Butterflys Because I miss you Tumbling heart Because I feel you From so far away Perfection doesn't exist I know this But why do I find more That I can't ignore as so totally you.

 I used to think you could choose who you were But never being true to yourself means you never are yourself. But what you choose to act on defines who you are. So, who am I? The battle of who I want to be and who I'm born to be pulls at me until I become everything and nothing in one

 When you put your arm around me that's when I knew Walk through the streets, lights glaring that's when it was true You're lying on the bed watching me come over I take my time, go a little slower We live for each other just for one night We work for each other just for one night I want to drink your smell I want to Pour yourself over me and let me feel love Time to go and I'm clear but I still hear your love and smell your skin and it brings me back in But now I remember your eyes, how they look away and I can't seem to find love in the same way If we can find love for one night why not forever? Do we choose to shut out what we want? Do we choose our fate or have we no control? Your perfect smell, the haze of love is replaced by my memory of what I did wrong

 Sitting in my hotel writing sad songs Texting friends that I can't bear to talk to Wishing I was the version of myself that I envisioned Why haven't I sticked to what I want? Why is the world set up so I'd fail Why can't I see what my heart wants All I can see is what pop songs sing and lullabyes bring

 You can't hold on so tight You're incredible You're kind You're you But you can't squeeze me till I pop Walk in the river Wash your feet Clean your skin But don't block it in Run on the grass Let your feet skim the sun Run on the grass But don't ruin the fun Stroke your hair breath you in Hold your eyes Stroke your hair But don't make you cry Holding so tight ins't the only way The world can't take your day Your feelings aren't fact But they matter anyway

 I stare out the framed window a hundred million lights roll by with fifty million people behind them will I ever find you I stare at the covered window a hundred million sounds roll by with no people to find them will I ever find you People jut trying to cope shut you out. People just trying to love left lying out. We're stuck in a book about how the world shouldn't be yet there is love everywhere so why can't you get it out? A car horn in a cry for help

Sorrow is like a cradle It is so smallening  I become a kitten batting at the firm hand of sadness that holds me I play with it This strange comfort is fleeting and I rise each day to find new cries to attend to Occasionally coming back to the cradle To find that new perspective I so sorely need When dawn breaks again

It's like a trance state but without the peace. I'm spinning off into space, the only thing holding me in the now is my knowledge that I can do this. The knowledge that this moment is mine, it will define me. I'm split in two at this moment. Half of me floating above the earth spinning ethereally following Lachie up to heaven, the other half feeling purpose and determination to stay on the ground in the real world doing tangible things.  Tangible blood, visceral smell, audible cries, deafening silence. These are the things that connect me spinning up in orbit to the me in the trenches digging through the lifeblood of a child not even aware of death, even as he's dying. Sometimes I'm back on earth. My body stops spinning up in space. Sometimes I can clearly see the earth below as I slowly spin. These two versions of myself can't fully connect from both places. I want to sew them together but I can't bear to lose the perspective of either place. I want to be i...

We'll Be Right Emotions coarse through me intensely I can feel my soul now Shame that it's broken I associate soul with pain How strange Is perpetual pain the human condition? Is that why we shy away?  Pain sucks and we are doomed to a life of it? But emotional range goes both ways right?  Happiness begets pain You can always have it better Pain begets happiness Anything is better than this So we'll be right aye? 

The Wrong Path The point is poised ready to drop Which way will it go Before I stop This path of destruction can only get me so far Before I undo all I've done to be who I am The city closes in on you and takes your essence  Leads you to the path The room is small and sound all around No space to live It leads you to the path There's so much light but you have to find When you do there's no-one with you to enjoy But keep working because it makes life easier Or keep digging till you hit gold Keep digging till you get old And no-one can hear you cry All they hear is the same old sigh And they'll leve you to die Because you didn't spend time enjoying life.

A one night stand The tattoo on your back draws me in The shade of your skin so foreign The curve of your spine as we wind Is all I can find love in This love is enough for now but maybe tomorrow It won't be as in sets the shame My luck is beyond reason To end up here with you I wish I could find words for this fast love I know it's just for now But now is forever when you want it to be When you leave I'm elated It takes only a few moments to realise It was all so fleeting and free That we may never understand how to speak again Once you share this with someone you can't hide So they know you better than you do And you don't like yourself So of course they won't call Instead you dream of when someone will Instead you write your shame on paper

My Missing Piece I felt stable and true like a clear lake. My pieces visible floating serenely. Now I feel pulled by forces outside, tides. To and fro my pieces are tumbled.  There is no ignition point for these whirlpools. Pieces together smashed. They invade and turn clarity to a milky river, turbulent. Pieces are lost. Was this always here? This dirt and muck dragged and dredged up by the new currents. I am a freshwater lake suddenly connected to the ocean. One with the wider world. Yet those pieces that I need are floating across the world pulled by the massive force of the moon and winds and the cries. I must get used to the new rhythm of blood, white, blue, sticky hands and death.

Permanence Wounds They didn't see The secrets of innocent death The joy Pure smiling The pain Unaware crying Gone The secret is there is no secret. It just is. The secret is the smiles Without them it's just a chart learnt by rote That loss of smile I grieve it immensely But because I didn't know him I have no right to grieve So he becomes grief for the world of lost smiles A symbol of pain eternal. I watched all innocence die with him Even my own Now beauty must find a new way to permeate The fresh wound in my philosophy