Curiously Scribbled

 I am sitting here. At the phone. This is the phone where I announced a child was dying. Martin. I didn't know him well. But he is a huge part of me now. I was sitting at the craft table making Samuel his 100th spongebob when Laura came over to me and said 'we need to call someone' and ran off. I turned around and Martin was lying down his Dad looking concerned. Martin started crying, like he had a little fall. I looked at my feet. Blood. From where? I look at Martin about 4 meters away. He's bleeding.  My body kicks right into action. It's like a trance state but without the peace. Like I'm spinning off into space, the only thing holding me to earth is my determination to help. That happens in an instant. That instant feels like a slow 10 minutes but the next 10 minutes feel like an instant. Laura's at the phone 'who do I call?' she calls a code blue - or is it MET? - Dad screams for a fist aid kit I grab it and fumble fumblefumble fucking hands sta...

 OK, so Sometimes it feels too much When I have a quiet moment it's filled like a roller coaster I'm not used to that I want my head under the surface Where it's dull All I can hear is my heart I can feel the beats ripple And sounds muffle But I also can't get shit out of my head I have a dam that I need to empty One quiet moment at a time

 As life dissapears My heart is ripped The shot isn't enough to save you My hands hold what you need But as it drips through my fingers I can't save you So instead I am broken You didn't know me but you broke me You weren't deserving But you died And this weight in my soul Will get lighter with time But for now I cry It drains It drips You quieten He gets louder I stare Hopeless This has nothing to do with me But here I am And so every ounce of sympathy I recieve I pass to you

 I am broken My thoughts, my dreams and every expectation of my life has been completely shattered. You came into my life and filled me with so much love and joy and possibility that I broke. Your light reflects on the mess that is me. And for the first time I am glittery and shiny, and I didn't have to try. Your warm glow wrecks me. But I'm more beautiful than before. It makes me wonder if I was even whole to start with.

 This is real This is so real it's unreal My chest won't stop My heart can't stop These are things dreams try to be Which is why it is so unreal But the things that I feel Are to visceral to ignore. as the little whims, I'm sure, you feel the string that connects our hearts, we can't forget even though we live so far away It tugs my butterflies so they fly backwards Backwards Butterflys Because I miss you Tumbling heart Because I feel you From so far away Perfection doesn't exist I know this But why do I find more That I can't ignore as so totally you.

 If I can't do something right now I might smoulder from the inside Like a cancer eats me These walls will defeat me There walls put here by me Will crush until I appear to be Souless

 There are so many people that people become commonplace It is normal to walk past more people in a day than you will ever meet in your lifetime. I long for people to be cherished Each person a possibility Each one new and fascinating So I sit in my room Scared of the people Their noise Their smell The way they ignore everyone Like they're on a ship in the middle of the ocean. The 'other' people are water. Bouying them towards their goal. Silent witnesses to their journey. There's so much water I can only run my fingers through it. I can't pick up each drop and find out its journey.

I can feel the breeze through the window but there are no feelings in tow. All I want is the fresh air but it has been eaten by us. If I go outside all I will find is noise Noise that unsettles me A car passes The noise leaves only to be replaced by a different me. I smell trees then shoes Then sewerage then food. The perfume of an attractive woman back to feet Did someone fart?

 The point is poised, ready to drop Which way will it go before I stop this path of destruction can only get me so far before I undo all I've done to be who I am The city closes in on you and takes your essence Leads you to the path The room is small and sound is all around No space to live It leads you to the path There's so much light but you have to find it When you do there's no-one with you to enjoy it But keep working because it makes life easier Or keep digging till you hit gold Keep digging till you get old and no-one can hear you cry all the hear is the same old sigh and they'll leave you to die because you didn't spend enough time enjoying life

 I used to think you could choose who you were But never being true to yourself means you never are yourself. But what you choose to act on defines who you are. So, who am I? The battle of who I want to be and who I'm born to be pulls at me until I become everything and nothing in one

 When you put your arm around me that's when I knew Walk through the streets, lights glaring that's when it was true You're lying on the bed watching me come over I take my time, go a little slower We live for each other just for one night We work for each other just for one night I want to drink your smell I want to Pour yourself over me and let me feel love Time to go and I'm clear but I still hear your love and smell your skin and it brings me back in But now I remember your eyes, how they look away and I can't seem to find love in the same way If we can find love for one night why not forever? Do we choose to shut out what we want? Do we choose our fate or have we no control? Your perfect smell, the haze of love is replaced by my memory of what I did wrong

 Sitting in my hotel writing sad songs Texting friends that I can't bear to talk to Wishing I was the version of myself that I envisioned Why haven't I sticked to what I want? Why is the world set up so I'd fail Why can't I see what my heart wants All I can see is what pop songs sing and lullabyes bring

 You can't hold on so tight You're incredible You're kind You're you But you can't squeeze me till I pop Walk in the river Wash your feet Clean your skin But don't block it in Run on the grass Let your feet skim the sun Run on the grass But don't ruin the fun Stroke your hair breath you in Hold your eyes Stroke your hair But don't make you cry Holding so tight ins't the only way The world can't take your day Your feelings aren't fact But they matter anyway

 I stare out the framed window a hundred million lights roll by with fifty million people behind them will I ever find you I stare at the covered window a hundred million sounds roll by with no people to find them will I ever find you People jut trying to cope shut you out. People just trying to love left lying out. We're stuck in a book about how the world shouldn't be yet there is love everywhere so why can't you get it out? A car horn in a cry for help

Sorrow is like a cradle It is so smallening  I become a kitten batting at the firm hand of sadness that holds me I play with it This strange comfort is fleeting and I rise each day to find new cries to attend to Occasionally coming back to the cradle To find that new perspective I so sorely need When dawn breaks again

It's like a trance state but without the peace. I'm spinning off into space, the only thing holding me in the now is my knowledge that I can do this. The knowledge that this moment is mine, it will define me. I'm split in two at this moment. Half of me floating above the earth spinning ethereally following Lachie up to heaven, the other half feeling purpose and determination to stay on the ground in the real world doing tangible things.  Tangible blood, visceral smell, audible cries, deafening silence. These are the things that connect me spinning up in orbit to the me in the trenches digging through the lifeblood of a child not even aware of death, even as he's dying. Sometimes I'm back on earth. My body stops spinning up in space. Sometimes I can clearly see the earth below as I slowly spin. These two versions of myself can't fully connect from both places. I want to sew them together but I can't bear to lose the perspective of either place. I want to be i...

We'll Be Right Emotions coarse through me intensely I can feel my soul now Shame that it's broken I associate soul with pain How strange Is perpetual pain the human condition? Is that why we shy away?  Pain sucks and we are doomed to a life of it? But emotional range goes both ways right?  Happiness begets pain You can always have it better Pain begets happiness Anything is better than this So we'll be right aye? 

The Wrong Path The point is poised ready to drop Which way will it go Before I stop This path of destruction can only get me so far Before I undo all I've done to be who I am The city closes in on you and takes your essence  Leads you to the path The room is small and sound all around No space to live It leads you to the path There's so much light but you have to find When you do there's no-one with you to enjoy But keep working because it makes life easier Or keep digging till you hit gold Keep digging till you get old And no-one can hear you cry All they hear is the same old sigh And they'll leve you to die Because you didn't spend time enjoying life.

A one night stand The tattoo on your back draws me in The shade of your skin so foreign The curve of your spine as we wind Is all I can find love in This love is enough for now but maybe tomorrow It won't be as in sets the shame My luck is beyond reason To end up here with you I wish I could find words for this fast love I know it's just for now But now is forever when you want it to be When you leave I'm elated It takes only a few moments to realise It was all so fleeting and free That we may never understand how to speak again Once you share this with someone you can't hide So they know you better than you do And you don't like yourself So of course they won't call Instead you dream of when someone will Instead you write your shame on paper

My Missing Piece I felt stable and true like a clear lake. My pieces visible floating serenely. Now I feel pulled by forces outside, tides. To and fro my pieces are tumbled.  There is no ignition point for these whirlpools. Pieces together smashed. They invade and turn clarity to a milky river, turbulent. Pieces are lost. Was this always here? This dirt and muck dragged and dredged up by the new currents. I am a freshwater lake suddenly connected to the ocean. One with the wider world. Yet those pieces that I need are floating across the world pulled by the massive force of the moon and winds and the cries. I must get used to the new rhythm of blood, white, blue, sticky hands and death.